‘Being assertive’ is one of those phrases, if not behaviours, that has confused many people over the years, perhaps because there has been little differentiation between assertiveness and its cousin aggressiveness. In reality, they are absolutely related, but they are also completely different.
Let’s start with a definition (from the Victoria State Government Department of Health) that also gives a clue to why it’s different from aggressiveness.
Assertiveness is communicating with others in a direct and honest manner without intentionally hurting anyone’s feelings.
In other words, Aggressiveness is similar in that it’s also direct and honest, but its intention is often deliberate in hurting the other party’s feelings or dismissing their perspectives.
The Assertiveness Matrix
Let’s look at how these compare on the Assertiveness Matrix.
Like many tools in business, it’s built on a matrix. In this instance1, the different axes are:
- How open is the communications?
- How considerate and respectful are the parties?
Assertive
… is both Open and Respectful. “I clearly express my thoughts, and that we both have rights and needs” says it perfectly. For those of you who’ve read , the definitive book on negotiating skills, you’ll recognise the parallel between Assertiveness and the book’s catchphrase: “Hard on principle, soft on people.’ In other words, tou can stand up for yourself and your beliefs without taking down the other party.
Aggressive
- Is it a personality-based factors, such as learned behaviour, poor communications skills, unresolved anger as examples.
- Is it cognitive-based factors, such as negative thinking, emotional issues or illogical reasoning?
- Is it environment-based factors, such as gender, age or cultural differences; literacy or numeracy issues; or unfamiliarity (with processes, thinking, routines)?
Here are some other ways to deal with Aggressiveness
- Don’t make this about you. Some people get angry about things which you are not part of, nor have any control. If this has nothing to do with you, you might want to simply practice empathy.
- Apologise if you did cause the anger. Do it genuinely, and do it sooner than later. Remember that an apology is the most valuable thing you can give away and it costs you nothing.
- Involve others as necessary, whether that’s talking to someone in advance or bringing someone else with you when you need to address them directly.
- Respond, don’t react. Don’t match an emotional outburst with one of your own. If you need to, leave. If you can’t, practice slowing down your breathing (count 1 2 3 4 and repeat). It’s also not a bad idea to focus on just the words (not the emotion), so repeat in your head what they’re saying.
- Let them vent. Of all the tense situations I’ve been in, sometimes it’s best to just let the person get the anger out. In fact, Grandma Eklund said it even better: Never take away someone’s need to vent. This step often leads to the next one …
- Ask questions and listen if you don’t understand the anger.
- Ask what – within reason – could solve or reduce the anger. Once again, a bit of creativity in a tense situation can help you search for mutual solutions.
- Encourage ongoing communications.
Passive
- Low self-esteem, often from learned behaviour as a child
- An inability to make or stand by their decisions
- A need or obligation to get approval from others
- A refusal to express what one thinks, or to defend their perspective
- Complaining that things happen to them, instead of showing patience
- Never direct: it’s usually “well maybe …” or vague words like almost
- Incessant permission asking with zero initiative
- They are negative about themselves, or at least relentlessly apologetic
- Good at saying yes, but they cannot say no
Passive Aggressive
… is both Not Respectful and Not Open. Their mentra is: “I subtly make sure that my rights and needs prevail.” For myself, I find Passive-Agressive behaviours actually more difficult to deal with than Aggressive behaviours. At least with Aggressive, I know what I’m getting. Never so much with Passive-Aggressive behaviour. Notice too that I’m talking about Passive-Aggressive behaviour, not Passive-Agressive people. It’s quite possible they are passive-aggressive to you, but not to others – so, it’s a behaviour problem.
Some common examples:
- Using sarcasm
- Procrastinating, not doing their fair share of work
- Spreading rumours
- Coming up with excuses
- “Forgetting” or “misplacing” something
- Playing the victim
- Shaming others in public
- Misusing their sick days
- Arriving late at work
- Acting stubborn
- Being dismissive about suggestions
And finally, from the Australian Association of Psychologists, here are 17 of the best examples on how to manage passive aggressiveness.
- Don’t copy their behaviour: stay calm
- Understand their motivation (you can’t fix a problem you don’t understand)
- Set clear, honest and transparent expectations
- Call out bad behaviour when you see it
- Don’t bring up the past, be present
- Separate the ‘passive’ from the ‘aggressive’
- Make room for dissent if you can
- Encourage direct communications (but remember, some people cannot/will not be articulate on command; so, put a time-frame on when you want their input)
- Own up to your own errors
- Use ‘I’ statements (“I feel angry that you’re …”)
- Use assertive communications and behaviour
- Face the fear of confrontation
- Document everything
- Present the consequences
- Practice mindfulness
- Do not try to rehabilitate
Tools
I’ve attached three general slides I’ve used previously in training sessions. Click to download the Assertiveness Matrix (April 2024).
How have you dealt with any of these behaviours? What other advice would you give? Please add your thoughts and comments below.
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