Listening, An Introduction

Of all the topics in the category of Questioning, possibly the most difficult skill to learn and practice is listening.

Listening is actively hearing what a person is saying – and not saying – plus analysing the answers for understanding and insights. A former mentor gave me a better definition which goes one important step further.I’d go one step further.

Listening is the ability to hear what the other party is trying to tell you, not waiting for what you want to hear.

Of course, like any other skill, there are a variety of ways to listen.

Different Types of Listening

The good ol’ Internet has bazillions of opinions on the different types of listening. I simplify them to these types.

Active or reflecting listening. You are present, alert and focused on the other party. You hear and understand what they are trying to tell you.

Empathetic listening. This is one step beyond Active Listening as you are trying to understand or experience what the other party is both thinking and feeling, if not recognising their emotions and perspectives.

Selective listening. You are filtering everything you hear through your own needs, perspective, expectations, culture or bias. In short, you are listening only for what you want to hear.

Passive listening. Oof, you are barely listening. As others have said, a passive listener is usually present in body only. That said, I’ve also known people who are passive listeners because they are not (yet) involved with the conversation, for a variety of reasons. One reason may be the speaker themselves; they haven’t made their topic relevant to you.

Competitive or combative listening. You are listening to yourself, usually because of an emotion (anger) or simply ego (you know everything, bless your heart). Many times, you haven’t even let the other person finish what they’re saying before you’ve already formed your response, if not interrupted them to say it aloud.

You’ll no doubt find other types (in alpha order)…

Appreciative listening
Comprehensive listening
Critical listening
Discriminative listening
Informational listening
Sympathetic listening
Therapeutic listening

… but (and I mean this respectfully) the others are variations or sub-sets of the five groups above.

How to Listen in Four Easy Steps

If you’ve met me, you know I like things simple. So I only have four thoughts on how listen most effectively.

1. Look receptive by being present.

2. Stay quiet, physically and mentally.

3. Have/keep an open mind.

4. You don’t need to go it alone.

1. Look receptive by being present.

This is more than simply looking interested. Speakers tend to talk and reveal more when they see the listener is actively involved.

Use good non-verbal communication skills. Eye contact is essential, including facial language (nodding, smiling) and body language (sitting up straight, leaning forward slightly). A few verbal cues from you are often helpful, such as saying ‘Yes’ or “uh-huh.’

Be aware in some cultures, assertive non-verbal communication skills, such as direct eye contact, may be less essential or even inappropriate.

Be sensitive to the speakers’ non-verbal skills, especially body language. They may be saying more through their physical action than through their words.

Get rid of all distractions. That includes both what’s happening inside and outside of your head. Here are the four main types of distractions.

Physical noise – office or street noise, phones and other devices, side conversations
Emotional noise – self-talk, focusing on other things you need to do, or worse, you don’t like the other party
Kinaesthetic ‘noise’ – anything that keeps your hands busy or pre-occupied, such as checking your mobile, playing with a pen, fiddling or doodling.
Visual ‘noise’ – having a conversation in a shopping centre where you are unconsciously people-watching instead of listening

How can I look receptive if I’m taking notes?

Effective notetaking can be a good way to physically demonstrate your interest. However, it’s also difficult to balancing writing notes and maintaining some level of eye contact. If you think your conversation will involve complexity or elaborate answers, record your session if it’s OK with the respondent, although investigate the legality of doing so. When recording is not an option, consider bringing someone else with you (again, if appropriate) to take notes so you can focus on listening.

2. Stay quiet, physically and mentally.

This reminds me of the well-known phrase: We were given two ears but one mouth because listening is twice as hard as talking.

Interrupting is unacceptable, period. It not only suggests you’re uninterested in what they’re saying, it shows you think your answers to your own questions are preferable to you. I know well-meaning people who interrupt because they want to make some declaration. I admit I do it myself, I throw out ideas or praise someone else’s ideas. I/you might think this shows passion, but from the other party’s point-of-view, it suggests you’re trying too hard (to over-promote yourself or to sell something) or you’re more focused on yourself. If you want to demonstrate passion, it’s best to genuinely listen.

You must stop talking to yourself to listen well. If you’re thinking of your next question while they’re answering the last question, you’re not listening. If you’re mentally thinking why you don’t like their answer (even if they haven’t finished), you’re not listening. Worst of all, if you’re deciding why their answer is wrong and you’re already formulating your response, you are not listening.

Sometimes your self-talk is damaging to you. You’re nervous about the other party (more senior, most knowledgeable, more prepared). You’re lost in their messages, and you feel disrespectful even though the topic is too complex or not relevant. Some of these can be minimised if you come as prepared as possible. Ask for an agenda, or anything to review or consider in advance. It’s also OK to simply admit that you’d like time to think about something before you respond.

(You might need to know too how to stall when answering a question.)

Repeat in your head what the other person is saying. This is best listening tip I’ve ever heard. As long as you keep repeating what they’re saying, you cannot interrupt. You can’t doze off. There’s no way to mentally leave the room. You can’t think of anything else. It forces you to be present.

Remember too that your face needs to stay quiet as well. One of the things I love about Victoria Beckham is she gave us the perfect phrase: Resting bitch face. Many of us simply look angry or upset or whatever when we’re just sitting there. Remember to keep your face as neutral as possible, or if you have R.B.F. (and I do!), you might laugh about it so the other party knows. (I always find the other person laughs too, which is never a bad way to start any conversation.)

3. Have an open mind.

Listening is not about waiting for the answer in your head to come out of their mouth. If you are, why did you ask a question if you think you already know the answer?

In 1980, psychologist George Miller said this about effective listening: In order to understand what another person is saying, you have to assume that (their answer) is true and try to imagine what it could be true of.

This one variation of Miller’s Law. The other Miller’s Law (just as important to communications) concerns the Rule of 3s.)

Step evaluating their answers. Next time you find yourself mentally arguing with the speaker, accept their answer. After they’ve stopped talking, now you can ask yourself:

What part of this person’s response is true?
Why does this person think their answer is true to them?

Do not JAB your audience. As I teach in my Design Thinking courses, whenever you are interacting with an important audience, do not JAB them …

Judge them/their answer
Assume you know them/the answer
Use Bias on them/their answer

If you want to double-check that you do not JAB your audience, tell them the JAB slogan and add this. If you ever feel I am JAB-ing you, tell me to knock it off. Depending upon the situation, you might also say – “And I’ll do the same to you so we’re both respectful.”

Paraphrase with the magic phrase. If you want to ensure both parties know you listened correctly, paraphrase back what you believe they were trying to tell you. Then add the magic phrase: “… And correct me if I’m wrong.”

If you’re wrong, they’ll correct you. If nothing else, it tells the other party you want to hear them accurately.

4. Don’t go it alone.

Even the best listeners have a difficult time listening well every day. That’s why it’s good to have more than one listener whenever possible. It’s also why you – if you’re in charge – should never facilitate or lead your own meeting, including brainstorms.

By itself, listening is a difficult skill. But to listen well, facilitate well, and write well is next to impossible – and more so, unnecessary. Assign one or more tasks to others.

Some other points too to improve your listening.

Force yourself to practice. Every single skill requires practice to improve and perfect it. Listening is no different.

Try to paraphrase and summarise what the person said, either to them directly, or to yourself afterward.

Ask for feedback from constructive critics.

In the end, good listening is directly connected to respect and mutual understanding. If done well, you are gaining valuable information and the perspectives of the other party, which – depending upon the situation, like negotiation or conflict – can be essential to finding a mutually beneficial solution.

There’s also something here to be said for my paraphasing of the Golden Rule. Listen to others as you yourself would like to be listened to.

Listening – like questioning – is a big topic. Here’s three other posts which may be helpful.

In this area of listening, I also produced a collection of articles in the area of presentation skills, with the series beginning here: 10 Tips to Help Your Audience Listen Better.

Any thoughts on ways to improve your listening skills? Please add your thoughts and comments below.