Listening to Understand vs. Listening to Reply
12Listening is arguably one of the most difficult skills in communications, and we’re getting worse at it.
In 2006, Dr. Ralph Nichols – who established the first study in the field of listening nearly 40 years ago at the University of Minnesota – quantified that we spend 40 percent of our day listening to others, but retain just 25 percent of what we hear. By 2011, sound expert Julian Treasure, in his TED talk “5 Ways To Listen Better,” found in his own research that we now spent as much as 60 percent of our day listening to others, perhaps because “it’s a louder and louder world.”
Treasure is probably on to something, but the real issue is a combination of two other innate issues involving the human brain.
First, a study at Princeton University (“Speaker-Listener Neural Coupling Underlies Successful Communication,” by Charles G. Gross, June 19, 2010) found that there is a lag between what you hear and what you understand. Depending upon the individual, it could be between a few seconds to up to a minute. This is where the trouble starts. During that lag-time, we start to listen to ourselves and not to the other person. As a result, our comprehension plummets.
What causes this lag time? It might be something as simple as our physical and emotional state. But more likely, it’s our own thoughts and opinions, which is specifically known as confirmation bias, which is our tendency to pick out facts or aspects of a conversation that support our pre-existing beliefs, values or perceptions. Grandma Eklund said it more concisely: “You’re only listening for what you want to hear.”
Confirmation bias is arguably connected to how slow people speak vs. how fast we listen. The Harvard Business Review (“7 Tips for Effective Listening” by Tom D. Lewis and Gerald Graham) cites research which says most individuals speak at a rate of 175 to 200 words per minute, where people are very capable of listening and processing words at a rate of 600 to 1,000 per minute. Because the brain isn’t using its full capacity when listening, the brain drifts off to other questions.
This phenomenon is called Miller’s Law, after psychologist George Miller who said in 1980 that “In order to understand what another person is saying, you have to assume that (their answer) is true and try to imagine what it could be true of.” Miller found that many people apply this principle in reverse, or what’s known as competitive listening. They hear something and have a negative reaction, because they believe what the other person said is false. Listening stops, and communications breaks down.
Of course, there are other culprits. The speaker can also cause the delay in listening, because of the volume, pace, tone or accent of their voice, their non-verbal communications (gestures, eye contact, among others). Then there’s outside interruptions too, either technical (phones, gadgets, emails, squawk boxes used for conference calls) or physical (noise, an uncomfortable or too-comfortable chair).
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My own exploration of listening began when I was asked to teach a workshop on listening. I had a curricula on listening, but it seemed too lecture-ish, so I began to look for ways to make it more conversational (oh, the irony!). The thing that struck me then, as now, is that the single trick to listening better is in the word concentration. I used to think it was about forcing yourself to listen better, but in fact, it’s about allowing yourself to listen better. What’s the difference? A lot.
Concentration is a hard task for more people, basically because it’s tiring. If you force yourself to concentrate, your brain will work to a point, then become exhausted, then shut down, if not switch to autopilot. Scientists call it “neural decoupling.” My Grandma would tell me my brain has gone to lunch.
To allow yourself to listen better, you need to think and work in a different way. Instead of forcing yourself, become more passive.
1. Get rid of outside distractions.
Put everything down, and shut out everything. Breathe slowly and deeply. Physically relax and get comfortable.
What about notes? Do you really need to take notes? Ask the person to follow-up with their points in writing, if necessary. If you must, make short punchy notes. If you find yourself clarifying your notes instead of listening, stop immediately.
If you’re not ready to listen – you’ve been caught unawares in the lift, a topic comes up as a tangent during another conversation – say you’re not ready to listen, but immediately give a deadline that’s sooner than later. (There are times when it’s OK to avoid. Go to this post: Managing Conflict – Avoiding. However, the issue of deadline is just as acute.)
2. Open your mind. Don’t judge. Only listen. If you have a problem focusing, repeat what the person is saying in your head.
3. Listen for the big picture, not the details. Think of it this way. You walk midway into a lecture. You may immediately understand the words and sentences, but you will not immediately understand the overall purpose. Until you get the overall point, it’s easy to misconstrue the facts or put them into the wrong context. Facts – especially when they differ from yours – will immediately cause you to listen competitively.
4. Note – but don’t judge – non-verbal communications. How are they sitting? How’s the eye contact? Is their speech fast or slow, smooth or broken? What aren’t they saying? Also, be aware of the vividness effect – that you become more drawn to sensational, vivid or memorable aspects of the speech instead of the substance of the speech. Again, if needed, repeat their words in your head to give you focus.
5. Do not jump to conclusions or interrupt. Until they’ve finished speaking, don’t talk. That said, you can gently ask the speaker to repeat themselves, but always do that between their sentences.
Once they finished their point-of-view, you’ll notice that you respond less quickly. You’ll need a minute or two to compose a considered response in your head. This may be both a bonus and a shock to the speaker. Few people expect the listener to be contemplative, so they might be genuinely surprised they were actually heard and understood. This may also change their initial perception of the conversation to come. At the same time, they might be distrustful, so you may also need to tell them, genuinely of course, that you’re thinking about what they said.
A common objection to this style of listening is that reflecting slows down the conversation and gets in the way of decision making. Maybe. Reflecting definitely takes more time, but by listening to understand accurately means you can save time too, because you won’t have errors in communications.
6. Paraphrase the big picture, then add in details. This stage allows you to demonstrate you have listened. Or, if you’ve missed a point, you can demonstrate you want to hear their points more exactly. Begin with the overall point, then add the details. (For tips on paraphrasing, go here.) Another trick: speak from their point-of-view, not yours. Don’t add emotion.
7. Challenge yourself first. It’s very possible you will disagree with the speaker. If so, ask yourself Why might this speaker’s message be true? Under what circumstance might this be true? Those questions force you to put yourself in the shoes of the person in front of you, and it becomes much more difficult to argue with this person. Remember, you can understand a person, but not agree with them. The best way to handle #7 is to ask non-confrontational questions.
Typically at this point, depending upon the situation, the speaker has two options: to coach or to counsel – but I’ll leave that for another post.
Any thoughts on proactive listening? What techniques have you used to listen better or more efficiently?
Thanks, Andy! Thought-provoking indeed….let me think about this for just a minute. Hmmm. Reminds me of one of the Covey maxims: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” I’ve worked with people who are actually intimidated by those who concentrate on what’s being said, and pause for reflection before responding. It’s “out of the norm” to allow time for thought…and often interrupted by the same speaker wanting and prodding for instant gratification/response to what they’ve just said. Also lots of folks put there who are just waiting for someone to stop talking, listening not to the content but for a pause in same so they themselves can talk–often saying something completely unrelated to what was just said. To me ithats like dropping a stitch in knitting…! It’s pretty obvious when someone isn’t really listening. I am going to take a lesson from this post and make certain that I do a better job of listening with more concentration, patience and respect for what is being communicated to me! Thank you for sharing this.
That “Covey maxim” is actually from St. Francis of Assisi!
It’s always interesting to look at the historical context of what people consider ‘new’ information. The exact St Francis of Assisi that you’re referring to is this: “O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek … to be understood as to understand.” However, according to the St Anthony Messenger, the best-selling Catholic magazine from the US, the quote itself does not appear in any of St Francis’ writing. So while it may be commonly referred to as the St Francis Prayer, it actually appeared for the first time in French in 1912.
Hey I thankyou for making this post. Really is in depth and makes me think rationally about a bad conversation I had with a friend that totally let his emotions fuel his words, which proceeded to spark a flurry of loud words which made me quite upset. After which I read this article in my own time and it made me feel a lot better about the situation and calmed me down. I took a lot of notes from this and I think it’s really invaluable information. Thanks 🙂
Hey Taz! Your comment really struck me because I feel like we all kind of experience what you have at some point or another. This article is helpful in so many ways, and I thought it might be helpful to add that another way to improve these situations is to ask powerful questions. This basically just means to not only listen and make the person feel heard, but think about what you are genuinely curious about and ask. That way there is no room for misinterpretation, etc. A summary of what they said does indeed show that you are listening, and meaningful questions show that you truly care about what they mean by those things.
Best!
-Tiff (Information in courtesy of We & Me Inc.)
Excellent information that I wish more people would read!
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Listening is an important part of communication but is also one of the most difficult skills.
When someone is speaking to us, there is a delay between what we hear and what we understand. During this time, we begin listening to our own internal conversation and as a result, our ability to comprehend what the speaker is saying declines.
This lag time can be a result of our physical or emotional state but odds are, it is due to our own thoughts and opinions that we seek out of every conversation to support our own personal beliefs. Called confirmation bias, this tendency causes us to only listen for what we want to hear.
Often, people also employ competitive listening in which they hear something they believe to be false. This causes a negative reaction, listening ceases and communication breaks down.
Listening requires dedicated concentration and a willingness to understand what the other person is saying. To achieve understanding, we have to listen to comprehend rather than listening only with the goal to reply. Understanding does not necessarily mean we have to agree but when we are able to recognize and appreciate another viewpoint, communication flourishes.
Thank you for your comment, beautifully stated. As one of my earliest mentors said: “Listen for what they’re trying to tell you, not for what you want to hear.”
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