Listening, An Introduction

Of all the topics in the category of Questioning, possibly the most difficult skill to learn and practice is listening.

Listening is actively hearing what a person is saying – and not saying – plus analysing the answers for understanding and insights. I’d go one step further.

Listening is the ability to hear what the other party is trying to tell you, not waiting for what you want to hear.

Listening falls into three types:

• Active or reflecting listening – the best type because you are present, alert and focused on the other party
• Passive listening – you’re listening, but you may not (yet) be involved with the conversation, or you are deliberately (for whatever reason) not wanting to listen
• Competitive or combative listening – when you spend more time listening to yourself than the other party

Here are the most common elements to good active listening.

• Look receptive and attentive
• Stay quiet (stop listening to yourself)
• Have an open mind
• Don’t go it alone if you don’t have to

Let’s review each in more depth.

Look receptive. 

This is more than simply looking interested. You must properly use non-verbal communication skills. Eye contact is essential, including facial language (nodding, smiling) and body language (sitting up straight, leaning forward slightly). A few verbal cues from you are often helpful, such as saying ‘Yes’ or “uh-huh.’

Speakers tend to talk and reveal more when they see the listener is actively involved. 

Note:  Don’t forget to watch their body language. They may be saying more through their physical action than through their words.

Also, be aware in some cultures, assertive non-verbal communication skills, such as direct eye contact, may be less essential or even inappropriate.

Being receptive also means eliminating or minimising distractions, such as:

• Physical noise – office or street noise, phones and other devices, side conversations
• Emotional noise – self-talk, focusing on other things you have to do, you don’t like the other party
• Visual noise – having a conversation in a shopping centre where you are unconsciously people-watching instead of listening

How can I look receptive if I’m taking notes?  Effective notetaking can be a good way to physically demonstrate your interest. However, it’s also difficult to balancing writing notes and maintaining some level of eye contact. If you think your conversation will involve complexity or elaborate answers, record your session if it’s OK with the respondent, although investigate the legality of doing so. When recording is not an option, consider bringing someone else with you (again, if appropriate) to take notes so you can focus on listening.

Stay quiet, physically and mentally.

This reminds me of the well-known phrase:  We were given two ears but one mouth because listening is twice as hard as talking.

Interrupting is unacceptable. It not only suggests you’re uninterested in what they’re saying, it shows you think your answers to your own questions are preferable to you. I know well-meaning people who interrupt because they want to make some declaration. I admit I do it myself, I throw out ideas or praise someone else’s ideas. I/you might think this shows passion, but from the other party’s point-of-view, it suggests you’re trying too hard (to over-promote yourself or to sell something) or you’re more focused on yourself. If you want to demonstrate passion, it’s best to genuinely listen.

Perhaps less considered is that you must stop thinking to listen well. If you’re thinking of your next question while they’re answering the last question, you’re not listening. If you’re mentally thinking why you don’t like their answer (even if they haven’t finished), you’re not listening. Worst of all, if you’re deciding why their answer is wrong and you’re already formulating your response, you are not listening.

Of all the listening tips I’ve ever heard, perhaps the greatest to both help focus on listening and resist the urge to think is this: repeat in your head what the other person is saying.  If you continue to repeat in your head, you have the added benefit of being unable to think of anything else. It forces you to be present.

Have an open mind.

Listening is not about waiting for the answer in your head to come out of their mouth. If you are, why did you ask a question if you think you already know the answer?

In 1980, psychologist George Miller said this about effective listening:  In order to understand what another person is saying, you have to assume that (their answer) is true and try to imagine what it could be true of.  (That’s one variation of Miller’s Law. The other concerns the Rule of 3s in Communication.)

Next time you find yourself mentally arguing with the speaker, stop evaluating their answer. Accept it as is. After they’ve stopped talking, now you can ask yourself:

• What part of this person’s response is true?
• Why does this person think their answer is true to them?

As I teach in my Design Thinking courses, don’t JAB your audience. Do not … 

• Judge their answer
• Assume you know the answer
• Use Bias on them or their answer

If you aren’t convinced you heard them correctly, paraphrase back what they said and add “… and correct me if I’m wrong.” You might also use “What I’m hearing from you is …” or “Is this what you’re trying to say?”

Don’t go it alone.

Even the best listeners have a difficult time listening well every day. That’s why it’s good to have more than one listener whenever possible. It’s also why you – if you’re in charge – should never facilitate or lead your own meeting. By itself, listening is a difficult skill. But to listen well, facilitate well, and write well is next to impossible – and more so, unnecessary. Assign one or more tasks to others.

In the end, good listening is directly connected to respect and mutual understanding. If done well, you are gaining valuable information and the perspectives of the other party, which – depending upon the situation, like negotiation or conflict – can be essential to finding a mutually beneficial solution.

There’s also something here to be said for the Golden Rule and my paraphrase: Listen to others as you yourself would like to be listened to.

For follow-up, these posts may provide more background:

Any thoughts on ways to improve your listening skills?  Please add your thoughts and comments below.