Managing Conflict: Accommodating

This article is one in a series of five about managing conflict using the . The introduction to the series begins .

Accommodating

This mode of conflict describes a person as cooperative but not assertive. In other words, they try to satisfy the other person’s concerns at the expense of their own.

The aim of this mode is to yield (often to maintain the relationship or status quo between themselves and other other party), but at the same time, to not appear weak. Unlike Competing, which is ‘win-lose’ (they win, the other party loses), Accommodating is ‘lose-win’ as this mode always puts others’ needs ahead of their own.

For what it’s worth, in my experience, the Accommodating mode is chosen or preferred by people who are the quinetessential “people person.”

Much like the F profile in Myers-Briggs, this person admits they are more interested in the other person and how they feel. This is especially true in conflict situations: about the issues and concerns, about the other party’s values, and about harmony to make decisions.

In a workshop a few weeks ago, someone said: “I let my personal connection with the other party get in the way of the conflict. Perhaps even on purpose.” As a result, an Accommodating person will concede or discount their own concerns. Sometimes this is a good thing, particularly when the partnership is more important than the individual, or the long-term goal is more important than a small issue today.

Accommodating is best when smoothing is necessary

Here are some of the situations when Accommodating is ideal.

When “giving in” means you either maintain or build goodwill – and often credibility – with the other party
When the long-term objective is more important than low-risk concessions today
When it’s low risk if your concerns are not met
When the other party has better alternatives to your suggestions in satisfying both parties’ concerns
When you’re over-ruled by authority or expertise. (In other words, learn to pick and choose your battles.)
When an apology – the most valuable and cheapest thing you can give away – will do wonders.

Like all five modes, Accommodating has its drawbacks. In contrast to Competing, where the brunt of the drawbacks injure the other side, the brunt of the Accommodating drawbacks is felt by the person themselves.

By sacrificing, neglecting, or ignoring their own concerns, negative or destructive personal issues come to the fore:

Resentment or anger from appeasing the other side (“I can’t believe I let them talk me into their way of thinking – again!”)
A loss of motivation to try harder (“They were always going to win anyway”)
You lose respect for yourself (“I’m just a door mat to some people.”)

If there’s a golden rule to the Accommodating style, use this mode when your concerns are low or manageable. Don’t fall into a cycle of giving in without purpose.

If you believe Accommodating is your best option

Here are some questions to ask yourself which might minimise appeasement or negative emotions.

How can you prevent a pattern of sacrifice?

One reason why people use the Accommodating mode frequently is the other party is a bully, aggressively pushing their agenda and ideas during the conflict. It’s not only understandable to accommodate, but sometimes it’s necessary.

However, this isn’t a situation you want to find yourself over and over. You need to find a time when there is peace so you can bring up the issue with the other party (if you can). Sometimes, reflective hindsight can help stem future conflicts. But, if it continues, you have two options if you can’t turn to Competing as a conflict mode:

Bring up the conflict with a trusted senior person in your organisation for their advice and counsel on what to do
Or, if you fear this is a situation you cannot get past, or it becomes intolerable, you may need to resort to finding another position in the company, or a more appropriate job altogether. I speak from personal experiences on this one. It is never worth it to stay in extremely negative situations without hope.

How can I concede without looking like a “push-over”?

If you’re wrong, admit it immediately and honestly.

If you’re going to be over-ruled, concede gracefully and quickly.

If you can see you’re going to lose, bow out quickly and graciously.

The key to each scenario is to find creative ways to learn from it. After the situation is over, ask someone with more experience to give you input and counsel.

How can I concede without resentment or anger?

It’s likely in professional conflicts for hard feelings to occur – either theirs, or yours – because of an unpopular decision. If you’re the one harbouring resentment, the simple yet difficult answer is to forgive yourself and move on. Anger is the most wasteful of emotions. Hoping for an opportunity to get revenge is taking up time which could be put to more constructive tasks. Think of it this way: by taking the high road and letting go of the animosity, you’ll generally earn respect from everyone involved.

If the other party is harbouring resentment at you, you should find ways to help them vent in constructive ways. One of the most common examples? Apologise, and do it sincerely. Accept and acknowledge the blame and ask for forgiveness. Sometimes it’s nothing more than doing them a favour (a very public favour, in fact), or allowing others their turn, or to share of the limelight.

If the venting comes with anger, accept it – but not the abuse which might go with it. For many people, the good thing about anger is that it’s the equivalent of valving a tire on a hot summer day. The quick release of energy restores balance quickly, and sometimes, comes with an apology from them too.

How can I set the stage for better conflict management in the future?

Some professional conflict rises during a project or situation which is ongoing or long-term. Resistance, changing dynamics or politics, new procedures can cause all sorts of problems, and conflicts can be frequent. It’s common that you may need to concede here and there for the balance of the organisation or team, so it’s vital to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable. But even when you may concede, there’s an opportunity to lay the groundwork for a more suitable environment next time. Look creatively for ways to learn new information, experience the problems or opportunities first-hand, and listen and take in the other side’s perspective. By doing this, you’re better able to plant the seeds of new ideas, attitudes, outcomes, or actions in the future.

In this area of Accommodating, what are your experiences in managing conflict or negotiation? Please share your thoughts and stories in the Comments section below.

This article is my own interpretation of TKI. The artwork is my own.

All copyright is owned by Kenneth W. Thomas & Ralph H. Kilmann (1974), “Conflict Mode Instrument,” XICOM Incorporated, 33rd Printing, 1991.

As a reminder, here are all five modes of the TKI Instrument.

The series begins .