This post on Self-Talk is #3 in a longer series of articles based on a presentation I gave to the Public Relations Insitute of Australia on “How To Make Your Audience Listen Better.” The Introduction to the series is here.
Self-Talk is our internal dialogue on how we talk and think about ourselves. It’s like water. It can be both beneficial and destructive.
When beneficial, self-talk tells you what to believe. It can be a credible sounding-board, helping keep you safe.
When destructive, this ‘little voice in the back of the head’ tells you you aren’t good enough. It saps your self-confidence and makes you (even more) nervous when you speak. It can increase your stress levels. For many, it’s a life-long habit.
Lots of Myths about Self Talk, but They All Suggest The Same Thing
There are plenty of “myths” about self-talk, much of it focused on its negativity.
Research from Dr. Fred Luskin at Stanford University says the average person has approximately 60,000 thoughts per day. Of these, more than 75% are negative. Worse, 95% are same thoughts you thought yesterday. (So much for creative thinking.)
Let’s not get caught up in whether the figures are exactly true. By and large, Self-Talk is primarily negative by nature. And, for the purpose of this article, that attitude also affects effective communications.
Self Talk Affects Communications
For the receiver, did you realise there are two voices in communications?
- They listen to you.
- They listen to themselves.
Here’s the key question. Which one is your audience listening to? Which voice is louder? More credible? Most of all, can you (as Speaker) ever ‘over-ride’ their Little Voice?
The answer is YES, but how?
When listening to the Speaker, the Little Voice is listening for a variety of things in your messages and delivery. They are:
- Judging your credibility
Aristotle told us the first thing the audience needs to hear from an unknown speaker is why they should listen to you. In other words, what’s your credibility? How can you seed your credibility in an appropriate way? What do they want to know about you vs. what you want to tell them?
- Waiting for their expectations to be realised
Here’s the questions to ask yourself. What does this audience want to hear about from me? How much is that expectation in alignment with what I want to say? Depending upon their expectation and my objective, how will this change the structure and messages of my presentation?
- Aligning what they hear from you with their own experiences
If expectations are about the future, then experiences are about the past. Their background is the context which they’ll think about everything you say. How well do I know my audience? What can learn about them before I ever talk into the room? Why do I think my experiences are better than my audiences? And can I prove it, if necessary?
- Listening for what they already know (their experiences)
Consider these questions. What do they already know about this topic? What doesn’t they know? (And how do I know?) Is there a way to ‘teach’ them about the topic without talking down to them? How can I make this simple but not simplistic?
- Checking to see if your attitudes, feelings and opinions about the topic matches their own
Here are some questions to ask yourself. What is their attitude about the topic? Why do they have that attitude? What’s happened in their lives to forge their attitudes, opinions and feelings?
Also, perceptions are real to people, so whatever they believe is true to them. However, that doesn’t mean their beliefs are accurate or factual. So, how do you balance these two aspects so you don’t alienate your audience from listening to your ideas?
Or, There’s One Easy Way to Address Your Audience’s Self-Talk
It’s hilariously simple. Ask them.
Before you even start talking, ask them WHAT they think. Ask them WHY they think that. Ask them HOW they think that.
I remember once asking the other party – my boss at the time – did she even want to know what I had to say about a specific topic. She empathetically said no, but she then clarified what she did want. She wanted to tell her if what she thought was true was indeed true, so she wouldn’t be embarrassed in front of her boss, the CEO. (Isn’t easier sometimes when communications between two parties is transparent?)
This is one in a series of articles about how to help your audience listen better, starting here.
There’s also a secondary post on Self-Talk () that covers what comprises the self-talk, both for your audience and yourself, as well as the different levels of resistance.
How have you dealt with the self-talk in the other party? Please add your thoughts to the Comments section below.
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